A father comes back from the dead

Step adoptee Debbie Olson was told her biological father passed away, but when she took a DNA test in her fifties, she learned he was very much alive.

Sep 21, 2025

Welcome to WMD! I am a writer living in Toronto, Canada and in 2018 I “came out of the fog” as they say in the adoptee world, and realized that being a step adoptee had shaped my identity in a huge and ineffable way. I say “ineffable” because it’s hard to articulate how learning about one’s origins changes a person in the here and now. I’ve written a lot about this (click on About for more on my story and writing) and I think this ineffability is what drives me to seek out others’ experiences of not knowing their genetic father. I’m interested in talking with anyone who has discovered information about a previously unknown parent (or even met them!) as an adult. I’m especially interested in providing a welcoming space for other step adoptees. I believe sharing our stories fosters compassion and understanding and makes each of us feel less alone.

Happy fall! I hope everyone had an enjoyable summer. I connected with Debbie Olson who I know through Right To Know. Debbie is one of the few step adoptees who is involved in advocacy efforts in the MPE community and she is also the only adoptee I know (of course there are others) who has experienced a successful, happy, and long-lasting reunion. If you do nothing else, check out the adorable photo of Debbie and her birth father below in the middle of the page! And, as usual, click on this link if you prefer to listed to our unedited conversation:

Click the play button to hear the full audio of my interview with Debbie:

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Michèle: Hello Debbie, I'm so happy to have you on Who's My Daddy? You are very involved in the community helping to educate and advocate for those who have an MPE, a misattributed parentage experience, whether from an NPE[i], adoption, or assisted reproduction. Do you mind breaking down the differences and similarities between these communities and then telling me where you fall?

DEBBIE: Sure! First of all, thank you for having me, I'm so happy to talk with you today. It's really something I've looked forward to. The more time that I spend in the community and getting to know individuals, wherever they are on their journey, the more I see the similarities, such as the shock or the what ifs. I consider myself an MPE. But oftentimes, if people ask me, I will say I'm stepparent adopted. I grew up always knowing that I was stepparent adopted by my stepdad.

Michèle: Can you remember when you were first told that the father who was raising you wasn't your biological parent, and is there any memory associated with that, how you felt and how you thought about it throughout your childhood?

DEBBIE: There's no time that I remember being told. I have two full biological siblings that are six and seven years older than I am, and because of the age that they were when our biological parents divorced, they have memories of him. I was so young that I did not. It was just always known in our home that our dad raising us was not our biological father. I also have a younger half-brother that is my raising father and my mom's son. I don't remember feeling anything was wrong or different, because it's just what I always knew.

Michèle: Yeah, same for me. So did your raising father legally adopt you, and was your name changed as a result? Have you ever thought about what might have been different had he not taken this official step? In other words, what's the difference between a step adoptee and someone who just has a stepfather who's absent and not in their life?

DEBBIE: Yes, our stepdad did adopt us. Our names were changed and our birth certificates were changed to show that he was our birth father. I’ve thought about this a lot, particularly since having found my biological dad. Had our names not been changed he might have been able to find us. He didn't know where my mom had taken us to and he didn't know our names.

I don’t remember feeling anything was wrong or different, because it’s just what I always knew.

Michèle: So what happened? He wasn't dead, he didn't abandon you — it sounds like your mom took some extreme steps to get you guys away from him.

DEBBIE: He was a long-haul truck driver, so he would be gone for two, three weeks at a time. This was the 70s and so there were no cell phones and social media; he had to stop and make collect calls home. So it wasn't often that he would talk to my mom or the kids. We were living in Utah at the time and she decided to relocate to Idaho. She basically just took us and left no forwarding information.

Michèle: So she left him? She wasn't happy in the marriage?

DEBBIE: They were getting divorced. He would still call and check on the children. He has said to me, I didn't pay a lot of money for child support, but I did pay some. Eventually, she changed her phone number, basically just took us. We disappeared and he didn't know how to find us. That is when my parents did the adoption. They did the adoption without his permission.

Michèle: Wow, interesting. So basically, you were kidnapped.

DEBBIE: Sort of, yeah.

Michèle: Crazy! Many adoptees have a kind of alternate reality that they spend time in, known to many in the community as the ghost kingdom. It's where the adoptee imagines the kind of life they might have had if they had never been adopted, where they fantasize about who their biological parent or parents might have been in the absence of concrete information. Did you know anything about your dad and did you engage in this fantasy life?

DEBBIE: The information that my mom gave us was that he didn't want us and he was the bad guy. We weren't really allowed to ask any questions or be curious about him. So I would oscillate back and forth from wanting to confront him and ask him why he left us and why he didn't like us to just wanting to know about him. If he was bad, then I was probably half bad as well.

Michèle: When did the way you thought about your absent biological father start to shift? Eventually you would decide to take a DNA test. Can you talk to me more about how this desire to know evolved?

DEBBIE: I don't really think I thought too much about it until I was in my early 20s. My mom told my siblings and I that our biological dad had passed away. When that happened, I thought, Oh, now I don't have an opportunity to ever find him. Not that I ever thought about necessarily finding him. When I got to my 50s and my children were grown, that's when I thought about it a little more seriously. Because we thought he was deceased, I tried to find his grave and couldn't locate it. I had very little information, and of course, wasn't going to be given any.

We weren’t allowed to ask any questions or be curious…I would oscillate back and forth between wanting to ask him why he left us and wanting to know about him.

Michèle: Did you have his name?

DEBBIE: I had his name, but he has a very common name: Smith.

Michèle: Oh, no, okay!

DEBBIE: I didn't know his birth date, I didn't know his age, I didn't know where in Utah he was from. My youngest daughter said we should go to a medium and I giggle about that a little bit. So it was at that point that I felt like I didn't really have any other choice but to take a DNA test. That would connect me to a relative, at least (I didn’t know I had siblings), and that was my goal.

Michèle: What did you learn?

DEBBIE: I took the test in 2018 and I didn't get any paternal connections that were close enough to help me. So I became frustrated, and I just quit looking at it. A year later my half sister matched to me. She immediately knew who I was. She emailed me, and then within a few days, we were video chatting with my dad and another sibling, and we reunited via video that way.

Michèle: Can you describe that moment? You thought he was dead. You probably looked at every truck driver that drove down the street right and were always wondering. So this must have been a huge shock.

DEBBIE: Yeah, it was so surreal. First of all, to find out I have a sister, and think oh, she's going to tell me some things and this is going to be great, only to have her say not only do we have the same dad but he's alive and you also have a brother. It was just so surreal. It's like this amazing happy shock that you don't actually know what to do with.

Michèle: Yeah, how many people come back from the dead, which is what happened, right?

DEBBIE: Yeah.

Michèle: What was it like meeting him for the first time?

DEBBIE: We'd had quite a few video chats before we met in person and he was really nervous because we hadn't reached out to him or tried to find him sooner, he thought we didn't want to meet him.

Michèle: When you met for the first time over video did you do it together with your sisters?

DEBBIE: The first time it was just me. They’ve of course connected since then, but initially it was mostly just me and I could tell he was very nervous. By the time we met in person, it didn't feel like it was so new and we just had a great time. I've visited them so much now. They're in Canada and I try to go about every three or four months. He's 83 now, so I just try to go as much as I can. Every time I go, it's better and better, and I feel closer and closer to them.

Michèle: How wonderful, what a happy outcome. That's amazing. You must have told him in the very first conversation all the lies that your mother told — what was his reaction and, more importantly, did you confront your mother afterwards?

DEBBIE: His reaction was and always has been that my mom is a good person and a good mom, and he knew that we were taken care of. He will not say one bad or negative thing about her. I will sometimes say bad and negative things about her, and he stands up for her. He's been really kind towards my mom. I've never confronted her. She's had dementia for quite a few years now, and my siblings and I talked about it, and just decided that it's better to leave her where she is. She doesn't have any idea that we found him and reunited.

Michèle: That must have been a hard decision.

DEBBIE: Yeah.

It’s like this amazing happy shock that you don’t actually know what to do with.

Michèle: Will you tell me about your involvement in the MPE community?

DEBBIE: I've gotten really involved with Right to Know. I'm their director of support, and I help people who write in and are looking for resources of any kind, whether it be a therapist, a mentor, books, whatever it might be. I'm helping with Untangling Our Roots, the conference that they do. In 2026 it’s going to be in Atlanta, Georgia. We've just got the website up and running for anybody who wants to take a peek. This year it's going to be co-hosted by NAAP, the National Association of Adoptees and Parents, Right to Know, and DNA Angels. It's three days of all the communities getting together, with opportunities for breakout sessions, keynote speakers, comedy, and movies. It's just a really fun time to be in the community with other people who have similar experiences.

Michèle: Yes, I remember I went in 2023 and that was the first time all these different communities [adoptees, individuals conceived through assisted reproduction, NPEs] actually got together in one room. I think it's really important to highlight what the similarities between us are rather than focus on the differences.

DEBBIE: Yes, I agree.

Michèle: Apart from the sheer number of extra family members that you now have in your life, how do you think your discovery of the truth of your origins, or just getting to know your father, has changed you? Have you changed since before you knew your whole story?

DEBBIE: That's a good question. I described to a therapist that it was like I was a silo and one side was full and the other side was just completely empty. Having now found my biological dad, getting to know him, and learning about myself, it’s getting fuller. My mom was sort of trying to keep us hidden, we would see an aunt here and there, and my grandpa, my mom's dad lived with us at the end of his life, but I was never raised around a biological family. So it's been really fun to be allowed to ask questions and to learn about my ethnicity and different things like that. I never heard the story about my parents meeting and falling in love, getting married, and building a life together until now. My connection with my raising family is strained now, and that's kind of hard. They've struggled to recognize the importance that this has for me, and they just don't ever want to talk about it.

Michèle: Are you talking about your adoptive stepfather?

DEBBIE: Yes, and my youngest sibling who is his son. It's been really hard with them.

Michèle: Do you see any of yourself in your biological relatives, your father or your siblings?

DEBBIE: I don’t really notice it so much until someone points it out to me. So when we're sitting around doing whatever, my sister will say, “Look what Dad's doing, you do that.” And then same with her. Her mom, my stepmom, has been really lovely and accepting of me. She welcomes me so much, I feel really blessed. My sister and I will be twirling our hair at the same time, and she'll say, “Oh, look at Debbie and Sabrina, they're doing the same thing!” So I don't notice it until it's pointed out to me. My friends say me and my sister look so much alike but I think I look exactly like my mom.

Michèle: Do you ever meet people who ask, what's the use of digging up the past, or who say knowing won't change anything. What do you say to people like that? Do you think there's any value for step adoptees in particular to uncover more information about their genetic origins on their father's side?

DEBBIE: I have a lot of respect for where anyone is on their journey, and if someone doesn't want to upset the apple cart or find things out, then that's their prerogative. Knowing what I know now and knowing who I am, I don't think I could have ever left it alone. I think the universe was always sort of pushing me along until I made the discovery. You do get to know your genetics, to know about your family, your origin story, your ethnicity, and so many things that you learn are so important. I only ever heard the bad about my dad, so being able to hear a lot of good things has been really healing for me.

If you’re curious and you want to know, you should go for it, but go slow, don’t make quick decisions.

Michèle: That's wonderful. Did you have an ethnicity surprise?

DEBBIE: No not really. I always joke that I was raised white, and I just solidified my whiteness. My dad's grandparents were Scottish, and my grandpa's name was Hyrum, but everyone called him Scott because he was Scottish. So I learned that story. I'm 21% Scottish, which isn't a great amount, but I really embrace that part of my ethnicity just because of that story.

Michèle: Neat! Okay, let's wrap up with any advice you might have for someone who knows they have a parent out there, what would you tell them?

DEBBIE: If you're curious and you want to know, you should go for it. But just go slow, don't make quick decisions. And remember, there's a vast community of people out here that are willing to talk to you and help you out. There are so many books and podcasts and organizations now that you really could get some help anywhere.

Michèle: That's fantastic. And so we'll link the Right to Know and Untangling Our Roots Summit information here. Thank you so much, Debbie, for joining me. It's been really fun talking with you.

DEBBIE: Yeah, thank you. It's my pleasure.

[i] Non-paternal event (NPE): Conceived from an extramarital affair, tryst, rape, assault, or other sexual encounter that results in hidden, undisclosed, or unknown paternity.

Now didn’t that put you in a good mood? It did for me! I hope you enjoyed my conversation with Debbie. Let me know what resonated in the comments below!

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